


Can't Walk Away

by dainty_daphne



Category: Junjou Romantica
Genre: Break Up, Codependency, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Jealousy, Long-Term Relationship(s), M/M, Protectiveness, Secret Relationship, True Love, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-04
Updated: 2020-04-04
Packaged: 2021-02-23 05:10:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,947
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23472934
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dainty_daphne/pseuds/dainty_daphne
Summary: Misaki and Akihiko are experiencing a very rough patch in their relationship. Though their love for each other is as strong as ever, the reminders of their past mixed with problems of their present threaten to tear them apart. They both must make tough decisions and drastic changes if they have any hope that their future will be spent together.
Relationships: Takahashi Misaki/Usami Akihiko
Comments: 3
Kudos: 21





	1. Chapter 1

Akihiko has learned throughout his time with Misaki that the boy has a habit of redefining people. He can see the kindness in the most selfish, the pain in the most hurtful, and the love in the most hateful. Through Misaki’s eyes, everyone has good in them, and the obvious is not obvious. Sometimes Akihiko is jealous of Misaki, and wishes that he had his own pair of rose colored glasses to shield his eyes from the truth. However it’s important that one of them is aware of the dangers that linger outside of their apartment, and in the hearts of the people they encounter. The writer’s sole purpose has become protecting Misaki, and spotting disaster before it strikes. 

Nevertheless, everything is not always as it seems. It would be ignorant of Akihiko to ignore the fact that he _has_ been wrong about certain people in Misaki’s life. It would also be ignorant to ignore the fact that his protectiveness over Misaki has sometimes led to more harm than good. Screaming matches are no stranger to the couple, and usually begin with Akihiko objecting to Misaki’s choice of friends, plans for the weekend, or even his part time job at Marukawa Publishing. 

There is a power imbalance between them that is obvious from a mile away. Through Misaki’s eyes Akihiko is Usagi-san, and there is nothing that hurts Misaki more than hurting Usagi-san. So although Misaki may stick up for himself, and insist that he has done nothing wrong, the guilt that comes from fighting with Usagi-san weighs heavy in Misaki’s heart. After a fight, they both usually apologize, but Misaki is the only one that acts differently in the future as a result. He distances himself from friends, skips school festivals, and lies to Usagi-san about his work. Akihiko allows himself to continue to burn hot with jealousy, while Misaki tiptoes around in order to keep any explosive objections at bay.

However, sooner or later the facade must fall, and tonight is no different as Misaki and Akhiko stand at opposite ends of the living room staring each other down. It seems tonight's topic of discussion is one of Usagi-san’s favorites: Ijuuin Kyou. This isn't the first fight they’ve had regarding the mangaka, and Misaki is certain it won’t be the last. 

“I really don’t know what else you want me to say..” Misaki croaks out, tears threatening to fall. “I work with him, and as of right now there’s nothing I can do to stop that. I know you’re jealous and worried, and given the circumstances I probably would be too, but Usagi-san you’ve gotta trust me and understand I’m kinda stuck in this situation.”

“Misaki it’s not you I-”

“Yeah it’s not me you don't trust, but him;” Misaki interjects. “I get that, but I’m not the oblivious idiot you make me out to be.” Surprised by his own words, Misaki isn’t sure what to say next, but there’s this feeling of relief inside him as a result of being brutally honest. 

“I never said it like that, and I’m not trying to say I told you so, but I warned you about him way before it got to this point!” Usagi adds, getting louder with each word. “I warned you way before I had to watch him confess to you in front of his apartment, or kiss you on your birthday in Karakuwa."

Misaki begins to stare at the floor, letting his hair cover his eyes. He wishes he could cover his ears without looking like the brat Usagi-san always claims he is. It’s hard to listen to because he knows Usagi-san is right, but that doesn’t change the fact that none of this is Misaki’s fault. “Usagi-san…. You’re acting like I wanted these things to happen. How was I supposed to know?” 

Usagi-san huffs a little at that, “Misaki I told you to keep your distance, and that something was off about that man. Do you really think I say those things for the fun of it? I say it because you’re so quick to ignore red flags and keep focusing on the good. It’s truly your biggest flaw”

This sparks something in Misaki, and the next thing he knows his legs are stomping across the living room right up to Usagi-san. There’s a look of annoyance on the younger man's face as he jabs his pointer finger into Usagi-san’s chest. 

“You really wanna talk about me ignoring red flags?” Misaki asks while looking Usagi-san straight in the eyes. “If it weren’t for me ‘ignoring red flags’ I might have never become your lover, let alone reciprocated your feelings for me.”

Immediately Akihiko doesn’t like where this is going. He knows he’s taken it too far, and pushed Misaki to his limit. This could easily become a fight that doesn’t end tonight; but one that leaves a tension between them that will linger for weeks until one of them has the courage to apologize. Usagi-san doesn’t respond, but Misaki can’t find it within himself to stop talking. 

“Maybe you’ve forgotten that you were in love with my BROTHER before me. Trust me when I say my ability to look past red flags and focus on the good in YOU really helped me ignore that fact. Especially when considering if I ever wanted to pursue something with you! You know how hard it is to start dating a guy who was in love with your brother a week before, and not feel like a giant replacement? Not to mention you were extremely controlling and manipulative in the beginning, but you know what I did? I looked past it, because I saw how kind you were and how much you loved me and I knew why you acted the way you did! You don’t get it at all you stupid fucking jerk!”

Without even realizing it, Misaki had begun to cry. He takes his eyes off Usagi-san's pained face to see he’s gripping the older man’s shirt with extreme force. Misaki regrets his words, especially since he’s bringing up events that happened years ago. These days Misaki no longer believes he’s just a replacement for his brother, and he knows Usagi-san would never intentionally hurt or isolate him. However the pain from their past is one that Misaki has not yet forgotten, and he knows that if things go on like this, he’s bound to experience it again.

Akihiko watches as Misaki sobs against him. He tries to hold himself together, as the reminder of their past mixed with problems of their present threaten to break the older man. On the verge of shedding tears, he pulls Misaki Into a close hug and kisses the top of his soft hair. Apparently this is the wrong move though, as Misaki gently pushes himself off of Akihiko’s chest and attempts to collect himself. 

Gracelessly, Misaki stumbles to the nearby couch and allows himself to crash onto it. His eyes are blurry and his head is stuffy from crying. Taking a deep and stuttered breath, he puts his head in his hands and sighs loudly. Feeling the couch dip next him, he knows Usagi-san has come to comfort him. Despite usually being very open to making up quickly, Misaki knows this situation is not something that can be resolved with a few sweet words and make-up sex. Usagi-san strokes his hair, and he allows it while he mentally prepares a speech in his mind. 

“Usagi-san, you know we can’t keep doing this right?” Misaki asks with his head still in his hands. He notices the sweet movements in his hair have stopped, and he can feel Usagi-san tense up next to him.

“This is a very stressful time for me,” Misaki continues. “There are so many problems that I’m expected to deal with in an extremely short amount of time.”

Both men are silent as they remember the problems, outside of Akihiko’s petty jealousy, that seems to be closing in on them. Misaki has yet to reveal his relationship with Usagi-san to Takahiro, who expects Misaki to move out within the year. The harassment from the Usami family regarding their relationship has not yet ceased, and is getting more aggressive with time. With Akhiko’s growing success, the media is getting closer and closer to discovering their relationship is more than just that of roommates, which could cause problems for both of them if not properly addressed. The secured job Misaki has at Marukawa is at risk if he does not figure out how to get Ijuuin Kyo to realize a relationship between them will never happen, without starting internal drama. The list goes on.

These problems weigh heavily on both of their minds, but Misaki has felt nauseous for months as a result of them. Things are spiraling and the lack of control terrifies the college student. However Misaki’s most crushing fear is one that Usagi-san does not know about. He fears that perhaps once he enters the “real world” and becomes a “real adult,” Usagi-san will regret choosing Misaki as his lover and abandon him for someone else. To Misaki, this is the most terrifying prospect of all, as he has based his whole future in recent months solely around being with Usagi-san forever. 

They’ve both been zoned out for a while, but Akihiko finally breaks the silence. “Misaki, I know things are hard right now, but that’s no reason to stop seeing each other. To stop loving each other. Remember I will ne-”

“Yeah, never let me go. I got it. Maybe now isn’t the best time to bring that up since we JUST had a fight about your jealousy and possessiveness.” Misaki stares at Usagi-san, flabbergasted that he would even say that at a time like this. Next time Misaki has trouble writing an essay, he will look back to this moment and remember that sometimes even the most distinguished writers can’t find the right words to say. 

However, Misaki notices that Usagi-san looks genuinely regretful of what he’s just said; so the younger man softens his gaze and attempts to clear the air. 

“I don’t mean that we break up silly..”Misaki says shyly, laughing a little nervously.” I just feel that… It’s time that we…you know…address some of the problems in our relationship. We’ve been together …you know…for nearly four years…so... It’s time to get serious and stop acting like the um...unhealthy.. Well I don’t know if that’s the right word.. But the hard parts of our relationship are just casual problems. We need to fix them now if you want any chance of us staying together for...you know..forever.”

There’s a burning that Miskai notices on his cheeks once he’s finished talking. It’s extremely difficult for him to talk about this stuff openly with Usagi-san. Though he’s come a long way when it comes to expressing his feelings, he’s still the shy and easily embarrassed kid Usagi-san met four years ago. Misaki’s proud of himself for finally saying what needed to be said; although it ended up coming out as more of an ultimatum than he originally intended. He’s expecting Usagi-san to look genuinely horrified, and hurt. Misaki knows he’s springing a lot on the older man. 

Pleasantly surprised, Misaki instead finds Usagi-san to have a rather kind look on his face. The older man reaches out and affectionately puts his hand on Misaki’s shoulder. They smile at each other, and Misaki holds his breath as he waits for Usagi-san to speak.

“Misaki..hearing you talk about us being together forever has made me very happy. I’m sorry for not being more understanding. I know my jealousy has just added to your stress , and I can’t tell you how regretful I am.” While talking, Usagi-san has begun to lovingly comb through Misaki’s hair. 

Tension between them seems to melt away, and Misaki can’t imagine a better reaction. “So..?” Misaki questions, “You’ll try to act differently moving forward right?” 

“Of course,”Akihiko promises. “I know I’ve been really out of line, but I hope you can see that it's because of how much I love you. That’s certainly no excuse, but I know there's a way I can protect you and love you, without isolating you. I hope you can forgive me.”

Blushing hard again, Misaki scoots closer to Usagi-san and allows himself to place a hand on the older man’s knee. His heart is pounding, and his head is cloudy with heavy thoughts of his love for Usagi-san. 

Misaki’s rather good at hiding it, but the truth is that he worships the older man. Perhaps even more than Usagi-san worships Misaki. Maybe it’s a result of Usagi-san being his first and only love. Or maybe Usagi-san’s extravagant lifestyle mixed with his extravagant love for Misaki has captured the younger man's heart in an iron fist that seems inescapable . No matter the reason, Misaki knows he’s always been quick to forgive Usagi-san, even when he knows he  shouldn’t. However, Usagi-san sounds like he genuinely wants to change for the better. So, Misaki decides to throw caution to the wind and forgive quickly one last time. 

“Usagi-san...thank you,” Misaki says quietly while he draws circles on the older man's knee. “I forgive you, and I hope this doesn't make you feel like I haven't been happy with you.” Misaki gazes at Usagi-san and gives him a great big, beautiful smile. “Let’s work to be better for the sake of us both!” Before Misaki can say anything else, Usagi-san leans in, and they kiss passionately on the couch.


	2. Chapter 2

At the age of 22, Misaki is finally beginning to feel confident in his life choices. Once he began to make friends outside of Keichii Sumi, his social life and school life dramatically improved. Misaki has decided that senior year is his favorite year of University. Once he became friends with Todo, he made even more friends through Todo. Soon he was going out drinking with people from Todo’s english class, and attending school festivals with Todo’s Kendo club. Finally having a social circle after 3 years of practically being alone felt pretty damn good. 

Then there was the dreaded job search, which loomed over Misaki and haunted him in his dreams. For some reason, Misaki had convinced himself that he would graduate from Mitsuhashi (if he didn’t fail trying), never receive a job offer, and leave his brother Takahiro beyond disappointed. Nevertheless, things with Marukawa Publishing worked out beautifully, and Misaki couldn't wait to graduate so he could start his career. Radiating with confidence, Misaki believes he’s going to do very well for himself at Marukawa. 

Then there’s his personal life..which really means Usagi-san. Through the fours years the two men have spent together, Misaki has learned that love is more powerful than anything he’s ever experienced. It can leave him ecstatic and powerful, or hopeless and weak. Everything else in his life seems to run smoothly when his love life is going well, but the moment it stumbles everything else seems to come crashing down with it. Although it’s hard to admit, Misaki thinks he’s probably addicted to Usagi-san love for him. He’s never felt so hypnotized by something in his life. 

Thinking back to four years ago, Misaki remembers feeling so uncertain about his feelings for Usagi-san. He had never been in a relationship before, let alone with a man. Shyness seemed to consume Misaki at every intimate encounter they had. Even just casual interactions were hard, as Misaki had no idea what it took to be a good “partner.” It certainly didn’t help that Usagi-san was ten years older than Misaki, leaving the younger man feeling inexperienced and immature. 

However, there were a few things Misaki knew for certain. He found Usagi-san very attractive, despite how “not gay” he originally claimed to be. He liked it when the older man gave him attention and affection, despite how often he told Usagi-san it was unnecessary. There was a spark between them that Misaki could not deny. Soon he found himself longing for Usagi-san’s company while at school or work. Talking to Usagi-san at dinner became his favorite part of the day. Mundane things like going to the grocery store or buying new clothes became much more fun with Usagi-san by his side. Misaki eventually noticed that they weren’t just lovers, but friends that teased each other, and had inside jokes. Before he could even realize what was happening, Misaki had fallen madly in love with the older man, despite his flaws… and the problems apparent in the relationship. 

From the beginning there was a power imbalance between them that seemed unfixable. The odds were stacked up against Misaki, as Usagi-san was the older, smarter, and richer one of them both. This made it very hard for Misaki to feel like he had any real control. When Usagi-san told him to do something, like be driven to school, skip work, or cancel plans with friends; it felt like he couldn't say no. As hard as it was to admit, sometimes Usagi-san acted more like a parent than he did a significant other. Usagi-san was Batman, and Misaki was Robin, the younger, dumber sidekick who couldn’t do anything without consulting with ‘Batman’ first. 

It wasn’t all bad though. In fact Misaki found a strange sort of comfort and protection as a result of the differences between them. Usagi-san could be childish, stubborn, and jealous; but he was also very mature, kind, and quick witted. Time and time again Usagi-san would solve problems for Misaki that had been dragging him down for days or even weeks. 

Whether it be school, family, work, or even just unexplained emotional turmoil, Usagi-san was always quick to come up with solutions. It seemed like Usagi-san could adapt to whatever Misaki needed,whether it be a carefree silly atmosphere, or serious problem-solving. Being with Usagi-san made Misaki feel safe, like there was a net to catch him if he should fall. Misaki didn’t think he would feel this way if he was with someone more like him, a confused, broke, immature college student. This made it hard to decide whether the differences between Usagi-san and Misaki were bringing them closer, or tearing them apart. 

It was obvious to Misaki from the beginning that Usagi-san cared for him deeply, and would do anything to protect the younger man. However boundaries were something that Misaki could never properly establish with his lover. In the beginning their relationship moved so quickly, they ended up resembling a couple that had been together for years, instead of just a few months. Misaki already had trouble saying no to Usagi-san, but the fact that they lived together, slept together, and ate together everyday made it feel like Misaki’s life was no longer just his own. They were sharing a life a now, and that meant they had to agree. Which really meant: Misaki had to agree to disagree. 

Perhaps Misaki would have eventually snapped, and insisted that Usagi-san give him space. He might've even packed up his things and left Usagi-san for good. After all, no college student in their right mind wants their first breath of adulthood to be filled with another adult watching over them, telling them what to do; especially when that adult is supposed to be their lover. Nevertheless, it was Misaki’s kind heart and selflessness that seemingly saved their relationship yet again. 

The more Misaki learned about Usagi-san and his past, the more he understood why the older man was the way he was. Usagi-san had been abandoned and forgotten by his family, left to his own devices at a very young age. Loneliness consumed him, and trusting people became extremely difficult for little Usagi-san. By the time he was a young teen, he was desperate for any sliver of warmth from another person, and mistook his older tutor’s sexual abuse as affection. With no one to help him, Usagi-san did what he had done since he was a child; he wrote. He dumped all of his sadness, anger, and desperation into stacks of stories he had written. His own inner turmoil seemed to be a never-ending muse. 

Finally, when Usagi-san experienced love, real love, it was towards a man he could never have. Like most things in Usagi-san’s life, Takahiro was just another thing that was out of reach. The feeling that he would never have what he truly wanted followed Usagi-san all through life. He would  _ never _ have a happy family like the ones he saw on tv or read about in books. He would  _ never _ have someone in his life that he could really trust. He would  _ never  _ get to be with the man he really loved. Usagi-san was sure that true happiness would never find its way to him, until he met Misaki. 

Knowing that he had made such a huge impact on the older man’s life, there was no way Misaki could push him away. The clinginess, the overprotection, and the control were all annoying aspects of their relationship that Misaki tolerated. He understood that Usagi-san was just afraid he would be abandoned yet again. Afraid that maybe Misaki would no longer reciprocate his love, just like Takahiro had not. It was times like these Misaki wished he wasn’t so shy, just so he could come out and tell Usagi-san that those things would never happen. 

Life went on. Three years passed and the two men grew closer than either of them ever thought possible. It was hard for both of them to remember a time when they weren’t together. Eventually Usagi-san did become less protective over Misaki. He was still jealous and clingy (which Misaki secretly liked), but he was better at holding it in. Everything seemed like it was finally going to work out. Then they were hit with the biggest storm their relationship had ever endured.

Without skipping a beat, Usagi-san’s jealousy, possessiveness, protectiveness, clinginess, and control over Miskai returned in a surge like never before. Fights became more frequent, and Misaki found himself often thinking, “One more fight and I swear I’ll walk away from it all.” Though he doubted he really meant it. After their fight over Ijuuin Kyo in the living room, and Usagi-san’s promise to make it right, Misaki is left feeling exhausted. All he can do now is try to fix the problems affecting them on the outside, while Usagi-san works to mend the broken pieces on the inside. 

It seems like a huge project, one he didn’t think he’d be facing at the ripe age of twenty-two. He’s still not sure how he’s going to reveal his relationship with Usagi-san to his brother. He’s terrified by how serious Ijuuin Sensei is about pursuing a relationship with him. He still can’t find the right way to prove himself to the Usami family after attempting to for years. He’s not sure how he’d react if his relationship with Usagi-san ended up hurting the older man’s career. These thoughts flood his brain as Usagi-san tucks him into bed after having made love. 

It seems their fight in the living room followed the standard procedure that most fights in their apartment do.

Fight begins → Misaki cries→They both apologize→Make up-sex

Before drifting off into sleep, Misaki prays that Usagi-san really means what he said. He needs Usagi-san to change for things to work. Misaki plans to change too, but he can’t do it alone. He’s not prepared to walk away from Usagi-san, and the life and love they've built together; but Usagi-san's willingness or unwillingness to change will certainly make the final decision.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It would really help me if anyone who reads this leaves some feedback. I know it's been a lot of narration, but I swear dialogue and present events are coming soon. Also, sweet moments are coming soon as well! Please comment if you can, thanks so much for reading! :)


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